Before Watchmen: The Comedian by Brian Azzarello and J.G. Jones

Writer: Brian Azzarello

Artist: J. G. Jones

Publisher: DC

Okay, now if there was one adaptation that I think Alan Moore would be tearing his stubbly great grey Snake God beard out over it would be Brian Azzarelo’s writing on the Comedian. But first let’s go back to the original Watchmen to understand my rage. Here’s a scene from the original:

Well let’s look at this. He’s reacting to a comment about whether or not he killed Woodward and Bernstein (Their careers ended tragically when Nixon was allowed to serve multiple terms….) and quite frankly I think he did kill them despite his denials. If you think people in government aren’t capable of that please look at the carefree life that Julian Assange now lives. He then states that “Nah…I’m clean, guys. Just don’t ask where I was when I heard about J.F.K.” And quite frankly I think he’s lying about that as well. In fact, if I recall the movie version of Watchmen, he’s the other gunman for sure. It fits his character. He’s corrupt, remember? Go watch the youtube clip. He’s the other gunman on the grassy knoll. This is quite consistent with his character who loves Richard Nixon. He probably advised Nixon to ask for Dr. Manhattan’s help in order to win the Vietnam War. Its probably why he wasn’t outlawed after the Keane Act is because he didn’t like that dirty hippie Kennedy.

Well that’s not the direction that Brian takes us in. Here Brian tells us that the Comedian is  actually good friends with the Kennedys, both Bobby and John. In fact, its clear that he’s got a thing for Mrs. Kennedy who subtly instructs him to murder Marilyn Monroe and you get the idea she asks him because she’s jealous. Thanks Brian for maligning the Kennedys. But it gets weirder. In this crazy version of the alternate world of the Watchmen the Comedian is this world’s version of Mr. X, if you’ve studied over your notes of the completely correctly version of the JFK assassination as directed by Oliver Stone. The Comedian is such a patriotic hero that he needed to be lured away from Dallas the day of the assassination. I guess he can’t protect Bobby either some years later. Right. Here’s a scene:

This also makes the odd calculation that any of these heroes would be democrats, at all. I can sort of see Nite Owl as a moderate and I suppose Ozymandius is kind of liberal but that’s about it. If ever there was a guy who would hate Democrats it would be the Comedian. That was the lesson of Watchmen is that these guys wouldn’t be liberal. They would be hard core Ted Nugent tea party Rorshack crazy, at a minimum.
So, I give it three stars objectively since the art wasn’t bad.  I do give it one star subjectively for completely raping and misconstruing the Comedian mythos. Now, excuse me because I’ve got some fanfic to write where I recast Bond as a David Niven character who’s an effete bisexual who doesn’t get into fights. And when introduced to a character named “Pussy Galore” he says things like “Oh my. How improper!” and covers his eyes…I’m sure Bond enthusiasts will embrace my reworking of the tale.